I Will Not Hide My Weakness: you are the love in my heart


detail: Iliamna Sunset, encaustic on panel, 48″ x 24″, 2010

you are the love in my heart

I thought, “how can I discriminate, and like this, and not like that?”
So I tried to like everything, but it was impossible.
It seemed like I missed more and more that way.
I got tired of the little picture with words format of my computer.
I read that it was a form of mind control.
I read about the neurological connections the mind makes when it sees pictures and words, and which parts of the clay mind can’t tell real from imagined, fact from fiction.
We program ourselves like a computer every moment,
either way, it can be dangerous or helpful. 
But then it seems life in physical form is just a little picture with words.
Is this physical manifestation of life a form of mind control?
Yes and no.
It depends on whether we control our own minds or not.

I thought that these manifestations and material things in my life were not me, and they aren’t…
so how could anyone know me through these things and images on a page?
They can’t. 
But they can know themselves this way.
What’s to know about me anyway?
I show my weaknesses,one at a time and stomp on all my strengths.
Those brittle shells don’t protect us from corporeal death.
Only love goes beyond death.

People’s attachments are known through what they hide, not what they show,
but knowing attachments is not knowing a person.

This makes it easier to help others.
But, how do I Know anyone?

Easy. Only with my heart.

You are all in my heart. I know you as my heart.
You are the love in my heart
and you are beautiful
you are perfect

nothing will change that
though nothing doesn’t change
–Caroline Kroll

revisiting the old road


Been peeling back the layers of the depths of my subconscious mind lately, and it’s true, some places are terrifying, and there are memories that are not so fun to revisit. Growing up in a remote area of Alaska, it seemed like sociopathic and psychopathic behavior were accepted as normal and even encouraged as if they improved one’s chances of survival. As an adult I know better. Having walls makes us weak and brittle, afraid of breaking. Having walls makes us think we have something to protect. Personal defense systems make us mindlessly and sometimes emotionlessly, or even worse, poisonously repeat patterns we do not want to repeat; patterns that lower our quality of life and our ability to experience true joy.

My earliest memories are of a beautiful place and a beautiful and happy mother and brother, the earliest of fears, being frozen and stiff, and not being able to move because I was so afraid of what was happening to me, and what was happening to my mother and my brother, of kleshas: things I loved, things I hated.

I saw too much suffering and no living being should suffer. Strange how clear these memories are of the traumas. Though my vision is not so clear, the memories of those times when I had perfect vision are there with the clarity of cut crystal, branded into my subconscious.

These are my strengths, though yes, they are true weaknesses. They are soft and malleable, and delicate like fresh-risen bread dough that has no crust or dryness to it, like a springtime flower.

I am glad there were so many memories and that I remember the good and the bad. It would be much worse had I sublimated them all. I remember not being able to walk, not being able to move, not being able to speak. When I spoke, they would ask what I was saying, and they never got it right. My brother knew and he would translate for me. Though I walked when I was six months old, I remember learning how to walk, how to climb the stairs, how to stand on one leg for the first time. I remember sitting and watching my brother play with his boats and how I never really wanted to participate, but I loved to just watch. He was so happy with his boats.

“Approach what you find repulsive, help the ones you think you cannot help, and go places that scare you.” — Machig Labdrön

Am taking a new approach. These adversities and weaknesses are my true strengths. I can empathize with those who have suffered because I have suffered. Everyone suffers.

“I was discriminated against because I was Jewish, Italian,  black and Puerto Rican. But maybe the worst prejudice I experienced was against  the poor. I grew up on welfare and often had to move in the middle of the night  because we couldn’t pay the rent.”Philip Zimbardo

I will not hide my weaknesses, I will learn from these and make these my strengths.
I will not be proud of what I used to believe were my strengths. 
I will make these my weaknesses and subdue them or remove them.

There are moments and things and events that we can’t control, and some memories are not so good, but we couldn’t stop the traumatic events from happening when they occurred. We can, however, prevent things like them from happening again and again in our lives.

Now revisiting those events and empowering myself to change things. Not changing the memory or the event itself, not accepting in a way that makes me callous or cold, not taking on the psychological burdens of others as my own, but giving myself the ability to say, “STOP! Don’t do it. I love you.”

Giving a voice to the frozen, fearful, inarticulate child and young adult who just didn’t have the words or understand the situation or the events unfolding in her life.

Breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth to cleanse the attachments, and revisiting the events with an empowered adult mind. Not asking why anymore. I am telling myself, “this is wrong. As long as I can breathe, as long as this heart beats, as long as this sun rises in the morning, this will not happen again in my presence.” This seems to help with resilience in these modern times where everything seems like a double bind or a five-fold knot.

Even Phlip Zimbardo, the Stanford psychology professor, famous for his prison simulations and mind control experiments, is taking a new approach these days. He doesn’t want to show people that they behave in the world like they are already in prison. He proactively tries to show how to be the hero. Don’t worry about what others think. Don’t fall prey to the mind that follows what is outside. Be yourself and be true to your true self.

“Heroes are those who can somehow resist the power of the situation and act out of noble motives, or behave in ways that do not demean others when they easily can.” –Philip Zimbardo

i won’t forget

I know I will never forget some things, but I can be of vital assistance when terrible things happen in the world. I will not sit, disempowered and inarticulate. I will not helplessly rail and flail. I will not abandon those who love me. I will help them. Even if they harm others, even if they harm themselves, even if they actually mean to harm me, if I have to help every living being near and far, I will do this. I refuse to believe they mean me harm. Even if they may think they hate me; even if they don’t feel this love; even if I think I can’t help them, I will. There is a reason we know who we know, and what we know.

there is strength in flexibility

I will not harden my heart or stiffen my neck. I will not argue for or against what others may or may not believe. I will not become weak and cold, withdrawn and callous. I will be strong and loving, nurturing and kind, and always flow like water, unbreakable in my ability to nurture and love. I will not grasp or need or want.
My words will be heard. I have power to make changes and I will. I will not let innocents suffer in my presence. I will remove the attachments from those who seek to harm self or others.There is no need to close the heart to protect the self from bad things.

After spending much of my life alone, I see now, real family is not those things or beings that cling or repel, and blood and names and forms are just a small part of what real family is. Real family is pure compassion and real family never comes or goes. This is the true will of His father, just this compassion.

inside control

Outside control and control of outside things is an illusion that takes seeming negativity as a personal experience.

Acting on things and beings does not bring enlightenment.

Self control is not about force, it’s about love.
It’s just compassion.

So that is how control is an illusion.

Love doesn’t control.

Love just is.

Allowing love to be, allowing love to grow in our hearts brings much more joy to the outside world than any kind of putting or taking, letting go or grasping.

Love not of this world, right?

Yet, love transforms the world we see.

The inside really is the outside.

–Caroline Kroll

3 thoughts on “I Will Not Hide My Weakness: you are the love in my heart

  1. I love your thoughts. I too have been a person scarred and transformed. Your words give the rest meaning. I had been trying to rationalize why I want to collapse and die. It was because I had to open a door somewhere. I see now that the door is me, and I have to open myself up and let myself be. I have known many great people in my life who have tried to show me this, and lost them to my stupidity. I hope to never lose anymore.

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